~ morning whisper

silent morning...whisper of rain drop..

.
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a cup of hot coffee..
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just enjoying my own self...and wishing myself..
have another nice day jiha!!

i wish you love~

this song song is a french song orriginally..The music was written by Léo Chauliac, with French lyrics under the title "Que reste-t-il de nos amours? (translated: "What is left of our loves?")" by Charles Trenet...and already being recorded by various artist so far..the version i have was sing by RACHEAL YAMAGATA...a sweet voice to enjoy...

this song is a love song..pathetically, when i heard this song..i have no one in my mind to turn this song...i just hear it blindly..just able to hypnotize by the beautiful lyric and melody...its just mean nothing to me by fact...but still...i love this song~

i baked bread today!!

i have a big passion in baking...its part of my life...i always do my baking if i got time to kill or else i will steal some time to bake..i made this bread today...oatmeal bread..i thought i'm not sharing much of my life in this blog..because i already have my cooking blog that is not updated centuries ago...haha....but todays..i feel right to share its here..its part of mine neway...from now on..everybody should know that i love baking!!

~ a dream come true..

yeah that happened finally after a few series of terror dream lately...but this dream come true in my dream last night..even its not reality dream that come true in fact i'm really happy with its...hope the real series of broken dream in reality will fade away..i take this dream as a turning point...i wish for a better life from nowadays on..i hope only happy event will made my days..the broken dream that i faced lately..really effect my way of thinking and confidence..i'm not dare to dream anymore...i lost myself that i knew before...life was dark..i'm really scare and my heart froze from coldness..back to dream that i dreamt last night...actually, this is not first time i dream this dream in my sleep...its happened almost 10 years ago maybe..its about someone that i'm really want in my life back then..but as i grow bigger and start to face the reality..this person not become my priority anymore...i almost forgot this person from my mind already..since i knew this person..i started to have this same dream continuously..maybe 2 or 3 time a years..in my dream about this person..i always found myself chasing this person continuously until I'm tired..at the end of my dream I never met this person..i always failed even i'm struggle really hard to find this person...but last night dream was really different...i'm not running for this person anymore..we just suddenly meeting and end up this person himself come to me..we had happy conversation and i also able to tell this person.how tired i am chasing for him before..i know its really childish to mention this type of dream..anyway..i'm not see this dream as only a meeting with my past admire...but i think this dream give me hope thats sumthing i wish in my life will become true sooner..i pray hard for its..i hope this bad curse will disappear and the sun will smilling again..

blank minded~

when i'm googled up with no reason...i suddenly found this lyric.."BLANK MINDED"...its turn out to fit me very well..I really don't know how to keep living this days...sometimes too many regrets..and sometimes its complicated to decide..plus...i'm really have nothing to take by myside right now...i just keep rotating the same days..day after day...i'm really tired of its..but i still can't figure out to get rid of it...in the same time i destroyed hopes of my love ones...i made mistake and seem i enjoyed it much...i just do not know what to do..and my mind gone blank!!

You always seem to live in madness
Closing your eyes to the sadness
Living on the fringe of reality
Locked up in your absurdity

You live your life like a rat
Stuck in the same old rotten trap
All those people looking in your face
Doing things at the same fucking pace

You thrive upon your own destruction
For reasons you have long forgotten
Never realizing this is the truth
About your cruel and fucked-up youth

You live your life like a rat
Stuck in the same old rotten trap
All those people looking in your face
Doing things at the same fucking pace

Try the best you can
Try to become a man
Doing some time
For a stupid crime
Can’t find a cure
To make you pure
How many mistakes
Must you make ?

And you still…

Live your life like a rat
Stuck in the same old rotten trap
All those people looking in your face
Doing things at the same fucking pace

free soul!!

the most cruel things for me is to pleasure..along this journey of life...i create that individuality personal...which later be my biggest defect ...i really not realize when i started to pleasure just myself...its really hard for me to pleasure the others even my own parents...i'm not too choosy and that fierce, but when i felt the force inside..i really cannot help myself...i cannot handle the situation evenly and the only things i could think is how not to hurt my own feeling...in sake of happiness i will do everything that pleasure me...i then become so that selfish...i not mean to do so..its not my true intention either..but that's what I'm today!!the most crucial disaster ever is when the others interrupt into my life business and asking me to do dis and that..how incapable i'm..the plans inside my mind not working in its ways...it become a big mess in my head..i always asked my self a question..why we cannot do as what we wish!!why we cannot object??we have a choice...and why we just cannot be ourselves!!they told us to be sincere and truth, but when we choose the sincerity, they will blame us for our rudeness..as for now i face a conflict in my life ..my parents urge me to make a desision which of course not pleasure....but for the respect and love to my parents..i try to adapt it..despite of this,i just want to have my life by my own way..i want to decide everything by myself..i'm not willing to fulfill it..and i feel a big stone humping on my chest..i cannot breath comfortably..and my inner side scream loudly for a free soul!!

what should i do??

what should i do now??
i'm deeply sad yet dispointed...
my reverie that i have...
everything gone...
and i don't know how to make a choice..
such as big crushed inside...
how should i live now???
without any dream and hope???

~leave me in my world

leave me in my world..
nobody understand..
the world i have...
let me dance in my square..
i want to be alone..
please don't border me..
i sentence my life..
i live for it..
i breath for it...
whose know what the best for me...
future always in the middle..
don't make any promise...
if u not willing to fulfill...
leave me by myself...
i want my dream..
even its still fogging...
i can see the shadow of horizon..
i hope to reach there by my self..
every favour..
i don't seek any..
because nobody know the world i create...
i'm not easy to understand..
and i want my life just for me..
i'm not live to please..
i'm not open to accept..
i'm complicated yet frightening..
even its hard to step..
i still want to be alone..
let me decide..who can came..
who can go...
they not invited to create another world with me..
i'm selfish??
yes i'm...
because i own my world!!

a story of rainy day!!

its raining here lately...nothing much to do..and sleeping of course, become a big pleasure under this circumstances...with the blanket covering your cold body...and the evil smooth cold wind.....u have no other request to answer..hahaha...yesterday i went back from campus...then i went off to our small little town to buy some stuff for my cupcakes ordering...i did some walking as i parked my car in great distance from this confectionery shop and out of the blue...my handbag string parted...omg..not now...after bought needed stuff..i rushed to repair my handbag...because of the rainy day, every movement become extremely complicated and uncomfortable..finally i manage to find repairing man...here in our place, it very easy to find shoemaker, he exactly not make a shoes but repairs some stuff like shoes and handbag..they set up their small stall usually in corner the corridor or alley of building...in case of emergency they are very favorable...the shoemaker took some time to repair my handbag...during waiting i just staring at him doing his job...its not so difficult just need some skill,experienced,patient and logic..and from my point of view.. that is the best implementation for every task...my silent mumbling interrupted as an old lady asked her repaired shoes from the shoemaker.."how much?"..asked the lady...taking out some money from her small pouch..."just 2 dollor mem"..replied shoemaker...the lady give him 10 dollar note..."sorry mem, i don't have any balance, its okay, just pay it another time"...that what the shoemaker told his every customer if he didn't have any balance to give back..."its okay just take this"..as the old lady pursuing the shoemaker to take 10 dollar note..."no,mem...its just cost two dollars"...they keep arguing for a moment..then the lady said"u just take all this money, and u keep the balance all for youself, buy something good for u'reself neway..i'm sincerely give it to you"...after the shoemaker took the note, the old lady went off with her husband by car...actually, this old lady have 2 dollars in her pouch, i could see it clearly from where i'm standing..she have lots of 1 dollar note with her...she bother to give it...as she really want to give that 10 dollar to the shoemaker from the very beginning..after i took my handbag..i walked comfortably...and my heart keep singing a happy song..the rain drop falls and bring me to life as i realize there's still a kind heart in this modern dreadful century!!

man and his bicycle~

i have a good story to tell..this evening i went off for a night market alone..looking here and there...and its already dark, then i decided to go back...during my way back, i stop to buy a medicine for my eyes effection ,the clinic was not far from my home, when i reached there, the clinic was still closed, i knew that i'm early, but i decided to stay until its open,not worth of going back either..there no more other patient yet,so i stayed in the car and enjoy some music to xerox the time...after a math, a car park beside me, there was an uncle and his daugther..they also keep waiting around there...then the main actor of this story make his apperanced, from a far i saw and average man paddling his bicycle and he also wearing the safety fluorescenec jacket ...he parked his bicycle exactly in front of the clinic...he's not so old maybe arround his 40 or 50, have malay tan skin..in short he's just an average malay man by his identical "kampung" face...sudenlly an uncle that came with his daughter just now broke the silent, he asked this "kampung" uncle where he come from..calmly this uncle said he's came from the village that worth of 20 km from the clinic..and of course by his bicycle, he added that he begin his journey an hour before the current time...from my car, i clearly can heard the conversation between this man, its took me for a while to adapt the reality face by this man, in this modern life, almost people have their own transport and of course not a bicycle..i'm very pleased and grateful by the fact that i have a car to move from one place to another...the long and though journey of this man only worth of two types of medicines , he went there just to buy medicine and not to have appointment with the doctor, when i stand beside him, i could smell the strong odor from his body...i know how much hardship he gone through to arrive there...there's a rain all the day, the bicycle just an old one, the road his taken in fact was really busy,and it was a long journey in the dark...inside, i felt very symphaty toward this man, and i keep wondering how much we have that the other don't...should we happy for what we have??or maybe our hapiness is the tears of the another..

as train passed by~

I'm waiting for my train in an old railway station..i believe this station had much memories of pass..i'm waiting silently..i've told myself...the train will still coming and i will traveling again to another unseen land...i'm bored to death while waiting, no much people hang around..just an old man smoking his pipe diligently..a road cat that surely suffering from this empty world chasing each other for a piece of leftover meat that they might found from nearby old restaurant..and i'm wondering..why myself here..why everything seems very clasical and fade throughhly...i forgot how time change my life..suddenly i found myself alone in this empty old station..i know i need to move on...and i'm still waiting for my train to bring me..and i already have my own realistic imagination of future path..i see a rainbow with its seven beautiful layers of colours waving for me....i grasp my ticket vigorously...how should i convince myself that i'm waiting for the right train..how if my train already left..should i run after the train that have already gone..i'm still nervous inside..its not an easy situation to make any remarkable decision..we never now when times is right..we never have idea of future...and i need to go..from afar i heard a whistle of train..i step foward..i carry up a full beg of memories, i step inside the train with doubt and curiousity..for the last time..i see a path of road that i left..the old station, the old man, the fighting cat..the pastime...my tears begin to rolls as the train passing..~the note to remember my old days...indeed i'm happy with what i have today..

night angle~

i'm not sleep again last night..

whats a big deal neway..

its already part of mine..

night..quite...one self soul...

nothing differ...

its how i'm living..

since the very beginning...

i'm night angle~

how far will u run??

if u are given a choice..how far will u run from u're current state??take piece of moment..think about it..because its reflect how far u really want to escape from u're own problem..problem that u're face in u're everyday life..and how much its burden u're current condition...probably the bigger the problem..the farthest distance u will go...when we live in this unconditional situation..we feel a big stone humping on our chest...we cannot run from it...and its even more painful to escape...its keep crashing..its hard to live..its hard to breath...we really want to go somewhere else...place that cannot been touch by this cruel reality..we want to run as far as we can..the point here...when u face this condition..think...and u will know..how big u're problem is...think also..what u want to see in u're next move..maybe u want live by the sea..crowded place..big city..country side...or wild life...and what u will do??being a striper??noble people??teacher??a litle kid..hyper active teen??and what personality will u taken??a kind women??a gentle man..sport man...brave heart??super power??its a good point to reflect u're self..the things u wondering..is the things u want to change about u..or u have no chance to do it...or somethings that will make u perfect and way from u're problem..just ask u're self to understand u're problem!problem is not to solve..also not to neglect..just think wisely..u will know how to keep moving..anyway problem is not enemy..its part of life!!

doubt~ragu-ragu

i always have dis doubt..either to write in English..or stick with Malay..satu bahasa asing...dan satu bahasa warisan..and i'm not the one who protect this malay inheritance...menulis dalam bahasa asing itu...lebih menyenangkan...and to write in Malay...its surely a stuggle...setiap kali menulis...aku selalu merasa...menulis dalam bahasa warisan..seakan disalah ertikan...dan tanpa rasa bersalah..menulis in English make me more universal..but..aku selalu ragu ragu in between...bagi aku..bahasa melayu..mempunyai nilai seni tersendiri...aku bukan la saterawan...tapi pembacaan karya sastera sudah sebati dengan aku...mengagumi HamKa dan A.samad Said..aku rasa seperti satu kebangaan..but life is different in its own way..study in scince and art..and reality surely is different..bahasa Ingeris itu sudah keterbiasaan pula di tanah sendiri...so..keraguan and doubt itu...masih dipertengahan...

kawan lama..

hari ini..kawan lama pergi tanpa ucapan selamat tinggal..mengenalinya hampir lebih setahun yang lepas..aku cukup selasa mengenalinya dan memahaminya..hari ini,kami berjanji temu di pagi hari...dalam perjalanan yang penuh sesak..sedang aku masih beramah mesra dengannya..tiba tiba dia pergi begitu saja...pertemuan pertama..aku membawanya pulang ke rumah..dan hari hari berikutnya..ia setia dengan aku...sangat berterima kasih..kawan lama itu..banyak menyimpan memori indah untuk aku ingati...kadang kala..hidup sentiasa membuat kita berkejaran..dan lemas dalam lautan masa yang dalam..kita terlupa mereka yang disisi kita..dalam penas terik atau hujan renyai..mereka ada untuk kita..kerana sudah terbiasa..mereka disisi kita..kita lupa kewujudannya..bukan kita membenci..hanya terlalai dan terbiasa..bila mereka tiada..baru kita memandang masa lampau..mengingati tiap jalanan masa bersama..dan jasa mereka pada kita...hari ini juga..aku temui kawan baru penganti kawan lama..aku masih cuba memahaminya..semuanya bermula dari kosong..ada rasa gembira..ada rasa sesal dan ada rasa mencurigai..adakah kawan baru ini sebaik kawan lama???

nafas baru~

pernah tak bawak kereta dalam hujan lebat amat??
cermin kereta yang berbalang balang..macam mata kabur dengan power speak yang agak-agak lebih seribu ukurannye..wiper yang halaju tertinggi pun tak dapat betulkan keadaan..
waktu malam pula..dan bila terkena cahaya lampu kereta lain dari depan..ibarat dah jadi orang buta tanpa tongkat...teraba raba..mencari jalan...kalau ada kereta lain di hadapan..mungkin kesusahan dan kerumitan memandu tak keterlaluan...tapi hanya seorang diri..tengah2 padang luas..tanpa lampu jalan..dan hujan yang mengila..ditambah pulak udara dari aircond yang sejuk mengigit gigit kulit dan segala liang roma..aper yang diharapkan...ketika itu..baru aku faham..bagaimana kita mengharap cahaya datang menyinari hidup..sungguh..pertama kali dalam hidup..secara sedarnya..aku mengharapkan cahaya walau sedikit pun datang membantu aku mencari arah haluan aku..Tuhan mungkin mendengar...setitik cahaya dari motor yang jauh kat depan..memberi harapan baru...akhirnya..ada panduan untuk teruskan perjalanan..lepas tiba destinasi dengan selamatnya..dan hujan pun mulai reda...keadaan sudahpun tenang..serasa MEPUNYAI NAFAS YANG BARU....

si buta~

orang lain tak selalunye salah
.
.
dan
.
.
kita tak selalunya betul
.
.
kita hanya si buta
.
.
yang mencari satu kehidupan

~eid passed by

eid mubarak..

passed by like typhoon..

and time seem very envious..

as the day is counting to the end of history..

Years of hatred have been forgot, In the blissful of a minute..

we will see each other again next season!!insyallah!!

uNgrateful...

looking the others...its really tiring and ungrateful...i lost my happiness behind every smile of them..i wish..for another life..or another dream...or another hope...yet another happiness..what my life take me anyway??
i'm so hepy yesterday..i'm so excited today..but shamelessly i wish much for tomorrow.. the sun still smiling..the tree still waving all da way..the sky still bright..the star still shining...i'm still living..still breathing...still wishing for nothing...always ask for sumthing that i'm really not understand with...for every granted wishes...there's also another sacrifice to be ritual..still..i want to see another happiness..what another pleasure to seek??
~i'm just ordinary human who seek for extraordinary life...the way of life that sentence..i wish to be different...
~ i'm just every human..who still forget to be GRATEFUL...

LiVe whaT u Love~

life..
future..
dream...
hope...
love...
passion...
belief..
family...
friend..
self...

just live what u love~

~The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere...If you are ashamed to stand by your colors, you had better seek another flag....


Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

objection~

how if we deciding to object than agree???

objection means we deciding to state the negative statement.."no" "not" " i can't" "i won't" "i don't" and sort of it..

i fully understand that for certain situation..its just so good to object..its open up to new idea generation and help to change way of thinking..but how if--->

"i don't want to help when asked to"
"i 'm not laughing for the joke that everyone laugh"
"i don't want to have friendship when other want it"
"i'm not eating when politely invited"
"i said i can't when other invited"
" i choose not full the request when requested"
" i'm not pick up call when the others called"

and so on.....

Am i problematic??? Am i sinful to object??Am i bad to be truth???

Lately...i just found out...I must do only thing that i'm really sincere to do...and i think nothing wrong if we object...I'm the one who will answer the request anyway...in malay tradition ..at least they will say. .."buatlah..jaga hati"..how capable we are to satisfy everyone everytime???for me "buatlah..kalau rasa ikhlas"...i'm know how suffer it is to do sumthing we forced to..i will answering request or doing the favor..if there no choice other than me..itu sudah jadi fardu kifayyah anyway...just because most of time ..i'm trying to sattle my own problem till the end rather than bothering the others..so i'm really hate those who like to take advantage before trying to hard to solve their own problem...that way..now..i'm so very selfish just do only the thing i'm willing to do..i felt bad after i object..but i know..i will suffering enough if i answer it..pretend ..fake up.. hipocriet.. anyway to object and being truth is a wise choice for now...i hope so..

addicted with D.I.Y stuff...

lately i'm exploring new world of D.I.Y..which stand to ..do.it.yourself..its provide lots of new knowledge that we can practice or use in our daily life..make us more creative and have different view regarding almost everything in this world...its open new dimension to different world...i'm really enjoying it..in western culture..D.I.Y project already wellknown and succesfully applied in their life....i think Malysian also take a look at it and try it on u're own..its will give new experience and satisfaction..


this some useful link to D>I>Y project...

http://www.threadbanger.com/


http://www.youtube.com/user/threadbanger?blend=1&ob=4

they also have their own youtube channel..practically u can learn it from their tutorial..

this the other one...

http://www.cutoutandkeep.net


we can find out more ..just google it..

setan ke manusia??

mimpi is so comman with me..i dream in my sleep almost every night..i think not almost..but difinitely every night..masa aku umur dalam 8 tahun dolu2..baru aku tau..tak semua orang bermimpi tiap2 malam...tapi semalam aku mimpi ngeri...its quiet long time i'm not dreaming of scary things like ghost or stupid creature yang menakutkan..semalam pun aku tak mimpi hantu..tapi lebih tepat aku mimpi syaitan or devil or setan..maybe lately aku banyak sangat tengok the arrival kut??i'm learn to be a person that appreciate every thing happened in my life..so i keep on thinking about my dream rather that assume it as useless dream..this is short summary of my dream...suddenly out of no where..keadaan dalam mimpi tu kelam kabut..like a disaster occurred...so my family n i decided to stay in our home...close all the door n window n gather in one place for safety...there sumthing hunting us..not only our family but all over the village i think...then..benda yang kitorang takut takutkan tu..sampai rumah kitorang..ala-ala zombi kampung pisang pun ada...haha..suddenly my father said....that thing is a devil..a group of devil..my heart is pounding tambah2 tak pernah tengok setan tu mcm mana..tapi bila aku tengok2 ikut tingkap..rupenye a group of man je yang bawak senapang n all..keadaan dah makin kalut..aku duk terfikir2 dalam mimpi tu..setan ke orang ke ...setan muka orang ke..susah la mcm ni..camne nk lawan...tapi derang passed by je rumah ktrang..fuh lega...tah macam mana..kitrng satu keluarga dah ada dekat pusat pemindahan..mimpi la katakan..the situation was really crowded n huru hara..orang 2 kat situ asyik duk pesan..jangan percaya sapa-sapa..setan tu ada sekeliling kita..n of course dalam bentuk manusia..sampai la di akhir mimpi tu..ada sorang askar tu cakap kat aku..dia tu setan..n dia cakap semua setan tengah berusaha bertukar jadi manusia...tengah2 panik camtu tiba-tiba aku terjaga...hahaha...but i'm really think hard after that dream..for me moral of this story is..bukan setan bertukar jadi manusia...but nowaday..manusia ramai sangat decide nak bertukar jadi setan..berlumba-lumba untuk menjadi setan..semua nak convert jadi setan dalam macam2 cara dan perbuatan la...tambah kan populasi setan..tu la klu kita renung2..memang susah nak jumpa manusia yang manusia sekarang...kita mungkin tak pernah terdengar atau terlihat atau terbaca..kisah setan berhati manusia..tapi sering kita dengar manusia berHaTI SETAN!!

penipu..menipu..

penipu dan menipu..orang dan perbuatan...tahap pengukuran moral adalah dibawah takat beku...dikira sebagai sifat2 negetif...i write this entry..not because i mad with some one...just lately bnyak sgt tengok citer2 ......so banyak sangat kes menipu..ada tipu tipu kecik..tipu besar yang dikenali sebagai penipu besar...tipu sunat atau bohong sunat..yang mana hukumnya mmg sudah menipu....my question is ..kenapa kita menipu??i'm not point it to others..because i also menipu for some reason...bila pikir2...aku menipu kerana terdesak...lemah..panik??ye ke??..ada jugak orang buat hobi menipu nie..ada lebih bagus buat profesion untuk kelangsungan idup...bagus2..bagi hemat akulah..orang menipu ni sebenarnya org yang lemah...atau jugak penting diri..orang menipu untuk menutup satu kesalahan..mengcover kelemahan diri..untuk menunjukkan satu kebaikan atau kelebihan yang memang tak wujud..kerana memang tidak berkemampuan..but i don't know why..aku rasa orang menipu ni seorang yang tamak..they want to grab what their hand unable to...kalau boleh semua benda dia nk dalam dunia nie...menipu untuk pangkat..menipu untuk nama..menipu untuk perhatian..menipu untuk harta..menipu untuk kemaafan..menipu untuk kebahagian...menipu ini untuk itu...dan setiap kali aku menipu atau ditipu..i feel that..sungguh mudah maruah digadai..its start with white lies..and end up to kill one soul..n maybe more..

What i would like to change about myself?

Being a normal human being, I'm always struggled to be the perfect one.Back to 3 or 4 years ago,I still remembered that i had the long list of things that i wanted to change about myself.That was the moment where i struggled to be independent and mature, from a teenage to the adult. Along that journey , i keep thinking how to be the perfect person. I gave a less thought in every move i took, i keep changed myself to be something i couldn't,then i realized that i moved in wrong direction. When that happened, it was back to square one for me.I'm too rushing in the past. When this question asked again in my life, I'm very sure for now,that nothing i want to change about myself. I'm really grateful to be what I'm for now on. I know i'm not the perfect one, but i learned from my past life,to appreciate myself more than everything else. Yes, of course i had my own bad attitude, and sometimes i'm rude, but that what made me an ordinary person.I believe that as long as i act what the human should be, so that it is enough to keep on living.

nO n nOt...

no posting~~
no typing~~
no blog anniversary celebrating~~
no idea~~
not in good mood~~
not enough time~~
not necessary for time being~~
no reason~

just easy to shout nO or nOt as a excuse for any unaccomplished promise~