blank minded~

when i'm googled up with no reason...i suddenly found this lyric.."BLANK MINDED"...its turn out to fit me very well..I really don't know how to keep living this days...sometimes too many regrets..and sometimes its complicated to decide..plus...i'm really have nothing to take by myside right now...i just keep rotating the same days..day after day...i'm really tired of its..but i still can't figure out to get rid of it...in the same time i destroyed hopes of my love ones...i made mistake and seem i enjoyed it much...i just do not know what to do..and my mind gone blank!!

You always seem to live in madness
Closing your eyes to the sadness
Living on the fringe of reality
Locked up in your absurdity

You live your life like a rat
Stuck in the same old rotten trap
All those people looking in your face
Doing things at the same fucking pace

You thrive upon your own destruction
For reasons you have long forgotten
Never realizing this is the truth
About your cruel and fucked-up youth

You live your life like a rat
Stuck in the same old rotten trap
All those people looking in your face
Doing things at the same fucking pace

Try the best you can
Try to become a man
Doing some time
For a stupid crime
Can’t find a cure
To make you pure
How many mistakes
Must you make ?

And you still…

Live your life like a rat
Stuck in the same old rotten trap
All those people looking in your face
Doing things at the same fucking pace

free soul!!

the most cruel things for me is to pleasure..along this journey of life...i create that individuality personal...which later be my biggest defect ...i really not realize when i started to pleasure just myself...its really hard for me to pleasure the others even my own parents...i'm not too choosy and that fierce, but when i felt the force inside..i really cannot help myself...i cannot handle the situation evenly and the only things i could think is how not to hurt my own feeling...in sake of happiness i will do everything that pleasure me...i then become so that selfish...i not mean to do so..its not my true intention either..but that's what I'm today!!the most crucial disaster ever is when the others interrupt into my life business and asking me to do dis and that..how incapable i'm..the plans inside my mind not working in its ways...it become a big mess in my head..i always asked my self a question..why we cannot do as what we wish!!why we cannot object??we have a choice...and why we just cannot be ourselves!!they told us to be sincere and truth, but when we choose the sincerity, they will blame us for our rudeness..as for now i face a conflict in my life ..my parents urge me to make a desision which of course not pleasure....but for the respect and love to my parents..i try to adapt it..despite of this,i just want to have my life by my own way..i want to decide everything by myself..i'm not willing to fulfill it..and i feel a big stone humping on my chest..i cannot breath comfortably..and my inner side scream loudly for a free soul!!

what should i do??

what should i do now??
i'm deeply sad yet dispointed...
my reverie that i have...
everything gone...
and i don't know how to make a choice..
such as big crushed inside...
how should i live now???
without any dream and hope???

~leave me in my world

leave me in my world..
nobody understand..
the world i have...
let me dance in my square..
i want to be alone..
please don't border me..
i sentence my life..
i live for it..
i breath for it...
whose know what the best for me...
future always in the middle..
don't make any promise...
if u not willing to fulfill...
leave me by myself...
i want my dream..
even its still fogging...
i can see the shadow of horizon..
i hope to reach there by my self..
every favour..
i don't seek any..
because nobody know the world i create...
i'm not easy to understand..
and i want my life just for me..
i'm not live to please..
i'm not open to accept..
i'm complicated yet frightening..
even its hard to step..
i still want to be alone..
let me decide..who can came..
who can go...
they not invited to create another world with me..
i'm selfish??
yes i'm...
because i own my world!!

a story of rainy day!!

its raining here lately...nothing much to do..and sleeping of course, become a big pleasure under this circumstances...with the blanket covering your cold body...and the evil smooth cold wind.....u have no other request to answer..hahaha...yesterday i went back from campus...then i went off to our small little town to buy some stuff for my cupcakes ordering...i did some walking as i parked my car in great distance from this confectionery shop and out of the blue...my handbag string parted...omg..not now...after bought needed stuff..i rushed to repair my handbag...because of the rainy day, every movement become extremely complicated and uncomfortable..finally i manage to find repairing man...here in our place, it very easy to find shoemaker, he exactly not make a shoes but repairs some stuff like shoes and handbag..they set up their small stall usually in corner the corridor or alley of building...in case of emergency they are very favorable...the shoemaker took some time to repair my handbag...during waiting i just staring at him doing his job...its not so difficult just need some skill,experienced,patient and logic..and from my point of view.. that is the best implementation for every task...my silent mumbling interrupted as an old lady asked her repaired shoes from the shoemaker.."how much?"..asked the lady...taking out some money from her small pouch..."just 2 dollor mem"..replied shoemaker...the lady give him 10 dollar note..."sorry mem, i don't have any balance, its okay, just pay it another time"...that what the shoemaker told his every customer if he didn't have any balance to give back..."its okay just take this"..as the old lady pursuing the shoemaker to take 10 dollar note..."no,mem...its just cost two dollars"...they keep arguing for a moment..then the lady said"u just take all this money, and u keep the balance all for youself, buy something good for u'reself neway..i'm sincerely give it to you"...after the shoemaker took the note, the old lady went off with her husband by car...actually, this old lady have 2 dollars in her pouch, i could see it clearly from where i'm standing..she have lots of 1 dollar note with her...she bother to give it...as she really want to give that 10 dollar to the shoemaker from the very beginning..after i took my handbag..i walked comfortably...and my heart keep singing a happy song..the rain drop falls and bring me to life as i realize there's still a kind heart in this modern dreadful century!!

man and his bicycle~

i have a good story to tell..this evening i went off for a night market alone..looking here and there...and its already dark, then i decided to go back...during my way back, i stop to buy a medicine for my eyes effection ,the clinic was not far from my home, when i reached there, the clinic was still closed, i knew that i'm early, but i decided to stay until its open,not worth of going back either..there no more other patient yet,so i stayed in the car and enjoy some music to xerox the time...after a math, a car park beside me, there was an uncle and his daugther..they also keep waiting around there...then the main actor of this story make his apperanced, from a far i saw and average man paddling his bicycle and he also wearing the safety fluorescenec jacket ...he parked his bicycle exactly in front of the clinic...he's not so old maybe arround his 40 or 50, have malay tan skin..in short he's just an average malay man by his identical "kampung" face...sudenlly an uncle that came with his daughter just now broke the silent, he asked this "kampung" uncle where he come from..calmly this uncle said he's came from the village that worth of 20 km from the clinic..and of course by his bicycle, he added that he begin his journey an hour before the current time...from my car, i clearly can heard the conversation between this man, its took me for a while to adapt the reality face by this man, in this modern life, almost people have their own transport and of course not a bicycle..i'm very pleased and grateful by the fact that i have a car to move from one place to another...the long and though journey of this man only worth of two types of medicines , he went there just to buy medicine and not to have appointment with the doctor, when i stand beside him, i could smell the strong odor from his body...i know how much hardship he gone through to arrive there...there's a rain all the day, the bicycle just an old one, the road his taken in fact was really busy,and it was a long journey in the dark...inside, i felt very symphaty toward this man, and i keep wondering how much we have that the other don't...should we happy for what we have??or maybe our hapiness is the tears of the another..

as train passed by~

I'm waiting for my train in an old railway station..i believe this station had much memories of pass..i'm waiting silently..i've told myself...the train will still coming and i will traveling again to another unseen land...i'm bored to death while waiting, no much people hang around..just an old man smoking his pipe diligently..a road cat that surely suffering from this empty world chasing each other for a piece of leftover meat that they might found from nearby old restaurant..and i'm wondering..why myself here..why everything seems very clasical and fade throughhly...i forgot how time change my life..suddenly i found myself alone in this empty old station..i know i need to move on...and i'm still waiting for my train to bring me..and i already have my own realistic imagination of future path..i see a rainbow with its seven beautiful layers of colours waving for me....i grasp my ticket vigorously...how should i convince myself that i'm waiting for the right train..how if my train already left..should i run after the train that have already gone..i'm still nervous inside..its not an easy situation to make any remarkable decision..we never now when times is right..we never have idea of future...and i need to go..from afar i heard a whistle of train..i step foward..i carry up a full beg of memories, i step inside the train with doubt and curiousity..for the last time..i see a path of road that i left..the old station, the old man, the fighting cat..the pastime...my tears begin to rolls as the train passing..~the note to remember my old days...indeed i'm happy with what i have today..